Sunday, December 11, 2011

Accepting My Fate - Flaws and All

I feel like i am being attacked from all sides. It seems like everyone can act immature, say rude things, lie, cheat, have tantrums, breakdowns, etc and I should forgive and forget - but I am not allowed the same in return. If I do any of those things, I will be shunned, attacked, ridiculed, ignored, shamed, mocked, yelled at, abandoned, etc - No one forgives or forgets when I fall victim to my emotions.
I must also be a mind reader, because sometimes someone will get mad at me for doing or saying something that they think I should not have said for a reason I was not aware of. I was brought up a only child, so these social dramas that are going on around me is still new to me. The older I get, it seems everyone is like this. I thought only a few people got caught up in drama, but the closer i get to people, I see that this is the norm.
Now, I am not saying i am innocent by any means, but it seems that I do not get the same consideration. I guess i should be flattered that they expect me to act on a 'higher' level, but the truth is, I am just as human as they are and i have a lot of flaws. I wish more people would accept and still love me with my flaws and all, as is. I do want to work on myself, I want to improve myself, but i wish they would give me the same understanding they give everyone else. Why am I the one that does not 'get off the hook'? To be honest, it hurts that i do not get the same benefit of the doubt.
I wish they knew I was on their side, I would do anything for them and I do. I don`t want to give the impression i am doing a 'oh, woe is me' bit. it is just a observation and I`m trying to figure out how to deal with it. i feel very alone and not supported emotionally. i feel like i have no one on my side and that is very depressing.
I guess I will just have to work on taking the Higher road and try not to fall victim to my emotions so much, I really need to work on that and be a better friend. Maybe I will just take this fate as it is and accept it.

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