Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Trying to Tame the Demons - but Failing

I am not proud of my actions 2weeks ago. As I tell this story, you might say what I did was understandable, you might be correct.....but I still need to stop reacting so badly to things.

 Me and my husband were coming home from a Birthday party at a steak house. We spent most of the evening dancing, drinking and hanging with our friends. For some reason, I was a bit in a bratty mood. I was a bit sarcastic. I think I get that way when I am craving some loving attention but feel a bit neglected. I am not saying that was true, but it was my perception at the time. Me and my husband decided we were done with partying and called a cab to go home, which was a wise decision because We both had enough to drink. My husband had little patience for my antics that night. I don`t really remember how it escalated, but I do remember that he said to me this, "I let the love of my life go, I wish I never let her go. You can never give me babies. I want Babies. You can`t give me Babies, you can never give me babies!" You see I had a partial hysterectomy when I was young, so it is true, I can Never have babies. I told him so on our first date. However, he still resents me for him not having kids.
 This was not the 1st time he had said this to me and each time my reaction was always bad, very bad, in fact my reaction to this has usually been extremely destructive. This time was no different, in fact, it was much worse! I basically snapped. I don`t remember most of what I did, every so often I get flashbacks and it terrifies me! I went on a destructive Rage. Yelling, screaming, taking random things of his, like his favorite Food, Vitamins, Toiletries, Grooming Tools and either throwing them away or smashing them to bits! To my credit, I did not go after anything important, I went after stuff that was going to spoil and be thrown out anyway, everything was replaceable, thank god, but it still was not cool. The scariest thing about it, is I don`t remember my rant. I only get flashbacks as the week goes on and he notices something is gone and asks me what did I do with it. I feel very ashamed and a went out and bought and replaced everything. However now when something is missing, my husband assumes it was from my now I guess I am going to get blamed for everything....or at least under suspicion....which I guess is understandable.
 I really need to find a way to stop reacting so badly to things, even if my emotions are justified. I don`t want to snap any more. I don`t like what I am becoming. It is not good. I am usually very rational, understanding, happy, calm, positive, etc......but I do not handle things well when confronted with uncertain demons of others. I don`t want to blame others either. I got to remind myself, that I cannot control what others do or say. That what others say to me could be true or a lie, but either way, it is not who I am. It is all about how I react to things. I can either snap and make it worse or buck up and remember that I am a good person and no matter how hurtful is is to hear certain things, and to try to make things better by handling it better or even by merely walking away. However, I still do it. Even when I know I am wrong as I am doing it. I think 'Am I crazy?' 'Do I have a Hormonal Imbalance'? 'Should I see a Doctor'?
 More to this Story to come...........

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