Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Trying to Tame the Demons - but Failing

I am not proud of my actions 2weeks ago. As I tell this story, you might say what I did was understandable, you might be correct.....but I still need to stop reacting so badly to things.

 Me and my husband were coming home from a Birthday party at a steak house. We spent most of the evening dancing, drinking and hanging with our friends. For some reason, I was a bit in a bratty mood. I was a bit sarcastic. I think I get that way when I am craving some loving attention but feel a bit neglected. I am not saying that was true, but it was my perception at the time. Me and my husband decided we were done with partying and called a cab to go home, which was a wise decision because We both had enough to drink. My husband had little patience for my antics that night. I don`t really remember how it escalated, but I do remember that he said to me this, "I let the love of my life go, I wish I never let her go. You can never give me babies. I want Babies. You can`t give me Babies, you can never give me babies!" You see I had a partial hysterectomy when I was young, so it is true, I can Never have babies. I told him so on our first date. However, he still resents me for him not having kids.
 This was not the 1st time he had said this to me and each time my reaction was always bad, very bad, in fact my reaction to this has usually been extremely destructive. This time was no different, in fact, it was much worse! I basically snapped. I don`t remember most of what I did, every so often I get flashbacks and it terrifies me! I went on a destructive Rage. Yelling, screaming, taking random things of his, like his favorite Food, Vitamins, Toiletries, Grooming Tools and either throwing them away or smashing them to bits! To my credit, I did not go after anything important, I went after stuff that was going to spoil and be thrown out anyway, everything was replaceable, thank god, but it still was not cool. The scariest thing about it, is I don`t remember my rant. I only get flashbacks as the week goes on and he notices something is gone and asks me what did I do with it. I feel very ashamed and a went out and bought and replaced everything. However now when something is missing, my husband assumes it was from my now I guess I am going to get blamed for everything....or at least under suspicion....which I guess is understandable.
 I really need to find a way to stop reacting so badly to things, even if my emotions are justified. I don`t want to snap any more. I don`t like what I am becoming. It is not good. I am usually very rational, understanding, happy, calm, positive, etc......but I do not handle things well when confronted with uncertain demons of others. I don`t want to blame others either. I got to remind myself, that I cannot control what others do or say. That what others say to me could be true or a lie, but either way, it is not who I am. It is all about how I react to things. I can either snap and make it worse or buck up and remember that I am a good person and no matter how hurtful is is to hear certain things, and to try to make things better by handling it better or even by merely walking away. However, I still do it. Even when I know I am wrong as I am doing it. I think 'Am I crazy?' 'Do I have a Hormonal Imbalance'? 'Should I see a Doctor'?
 More to this Story to come...........

Friday, February 22, 2013

Pet Peeve: Magazine Subscriptions

Pet Peeve #47: you read a magazine, you like it so much you buy a year subscription, you finally get your 1st issue -it turns out it is LAST months issue -the ONE YOU JUST READ/BOUGHT when you ordered it -AND- 'to turn the knife' you see the New unread issue for sale but you have to wait to get your copy in the mail -in probably 3more weeks!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Books I have Read so Far - now to my Next - Drinking & Tweeting!

I read All the Books above - Now I am going to Start 'Drinking & Tweeting' - The Book Below - LOL - I should Like this one - hits Home - HaHa!

Even the Nicest Person can Snap if Pushed Far Enough

Even though I hate Dorner for killing innocent people and doing this all the wrong way -and he probably got what he deserved (if what we hear is True) - I do believe Dorner has a point - I hope this blows the lid or at least suspicion on the Corruption inside the LAPD - But knowing how much they hid the media, etc - the way the showdown went down - who knows - you can only push people so far before they snap - just saying.
 - his actions are un-justified and in-excusable - he is a murderer - but what led him to this deserves to be investigated and not to be investigated by the accused - there is a TON of corruption inside the LAPD that is waaaaaay over due to be exposed. He went about it the wrong way, the minute you stoop to your enemies tactics, you lose all creditably and you lose your argument. I think there is waay more to this story then we will ever know.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Law Enforcement Deserves More Pay & Respect

My Grandpa was a reserve cop, I am very pro-law enforcement, they do not get paid enuff nor the respect they deserve 4what they do for us, a very tough job, dealing with all the bad in the world, risking their lives daily.......sure, there are bad ones......there are bad apples in every bunch and they do make mistakes, but in the most part, l believe they are good ........ I am sending my thoughts & prayers 2them all right now during this Dorner Case.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

So Far 2013 is Kicking my Ass!!

I went years without getting sick and now so far in 2013 I have had a Nasty Cold, The Flu, a Chronic Cough and Now a Violent over-(all)-night Stomach Bug.....and 2013 is only a Month and a 1/2 in.....hope this isn`t going 2continue....Enuff already!! Exhausted, taking Vitamins and heading to work.