Wednesday, March 13, 2013

'Someone Call me a Doctor!' (Channeling my inner David Lee Roth voice)

I dont know what is up with me lately. Ok, more than just lately, something strange has been going on with me for a few years. I find myself having a short fuse. My focus in life is blurred. I feel restless. I want to do something, I want to do more, I want to do everything, I feel like a horse in a gate wanting that gate to open so I can run as fast as I can.......but to what? Maybe I have no goal. I am used to a goal. I have slowed down my Modeling/Acting/Self Promotion/Business Stuff due to not having a car for a year, but mostly because, I find it harder and harder for me to leave the comfort of my Neighborhood. I always hated traffic, I never liked Los Angeles, I don`t really like being to far from home and shoots were always so far away, that has always been the biggest draw back from my work. However I always loved tinkering on the computer, creating stuff, communicating, making money on my own by being myself.
 I think I may have reached a crossroads in my life. I am not saying that I am quitting anything, I will always model, create things and be in business for is just that might be more on the back burner. I want something new, but don`t know what. Over a year ago,I sold my car, I was car-less, I had to get around only by Bike, Cab, Ride, by Foot or if needed, by Rent-a-Car. I loved it. It forced me to stay more local. I walked everywhere, rode my Bike and took cabs. I shopped less because I could only carry so much. I lived more simple. I cut cost down. By spending money locally, I supported the local business where I lived. I cut down my modeling a lot, I would only accept a shoot if it paid enough for a decent days pay plus rental car. By cutting my modeling, I had to find another income in the meantime that gave me flexible hours. I took a job at the local Laundromat/Cleaners. The hours were good, I can walk to work, it gave me a chance to learn a new trade, I got to know my neighbors better, I felt in tune with my community and the stress was better due to no more Traffic! In fact I still work there, I am writing this blog at work right now during a slow period. That is another perk, when it is slow, I can log on, Blog, Tweet, Facebook, email, etc. I can still do what I always have done. I downsized what I used to have and cut cost and I love it!! All that excess baggage was so stressful and not needed.
 After saying all that, you would think I would be all Zen would think.....hec, I would think! But I still feel restless. I feel anger, stress, annoyed, etc. Any little thing sets me off. I catch myself and try not to explode. I`m ok at that......but not always. I snap and when I snap, I snap hard! I don`t know if I have a reason emotionally or physically. I had a partial hysterectomy when I was really young, maybe this is a hormonal thing? Either way, I am very aware of it and I want to find a way to get over it. Maybe I should find a doctor or something. I have not seen a doctor in quite a long time, unless you count the very few Emergency Room visits in the past decade. Either way, I got to find a way to squash these feelings, I have a feeling that if I don`t, I maybe on a way to an emotional breakdown and explode and it wont be good.
  In the meantime, I recognize it and trying to deal with it. Nothing in my life is in crisis. Sure my marriage is rocky at times, but so is a lot of other people out there. I know I got to handle things better. It is on me and how I react to things that can make or break my day and the day of anyone that is close to me. I need to take better control of things. I need a goal. I need to get on track. I am just trying to figure out how.

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