I am not the Better Person

When someone says something hurtful to me, I try to be the bigger/better person and let it go. I know it really has nothing to do with me, it has to do with them. No matter what they say to me does not define who I am. Maybe they are feeling down, out of control angry, etc and feel they need to blame someone else or bring someone down to their level to feel powerful, whatever it maybe.
 If it is coming from someone I love, I guess, I will take their negative words more to heart. Maybe they have a point, maybe I did something to warrant the criticism. I try to listen to them without getting angry and think about it and maybe make amends to help heal the problem.
 It is to easy to just get mad, get defensive, deny and say hurtful things back. That would just put me on their level. It would make me just as guilty as they are. It will make me look just as bad as them. It would discredit and devalue all of my credibility. I would be just as wrong as they are. Even if it started out as me being right, I would lose any argument by succumbing to behaving the same way. In fact I believe that is why they act so violently hurtful, they want to bring you to their level, so that you become just as wrong as they are and you look a foolish crazy out of control person and they become the victim. This works best when they push your buttons quietly without anyone seeing it and hope you make the mistake of blowing your cool in public as they act as the innocent victim. It works even better when they express their love for you in public or tell everyone how much they love you and how proud they are of you, then when you blow your top at them in public, you look like you are the most evil person in the world.
 It is also difficult when they get out of control and say many really hurtful things in private. Those words cuts like a knife. You feel worthless, lonely, sad, you feel that the world would be better off without you, you feel like a bad person. You also get angry and want to lash out back, but you know it will make things worse, so you just sit there quiet and hear all the nasty things. If it is possible to leave, that would be the best call, but sometimes, you cannot leave. You try to go into another room, turn up the TV, but sometimes nothing works, you hear all the nasty hurtful things said to you. The next day, the other person either regrets what they said, they feel sorry or they have no clue they had a fit the night before and thinks all is fine, that nothing happened. You try to accept their apology knowing they were not in their right mind, that it is their demons Not yours, you try to let it go. However, there will be a time when you will be out with that person and something ignites that memory of what was said to you and you just might lose it in front of people and no one will understand where that rage came from. You will look like a raging lunatic to all, even to the person that put that anger there in the 1st place, but even they will be clueless and end up the victim in that moment.
 Yea, as I 1st said in this post, I try to be the bigger/better person, but I am really not the better person. I fail at that. It doesn`t matter if I didn`t start the fight, it doesn`t matter if I am right. It doesn`t matter if I handle things correctly at first......because, my hurt, my anger will get the best of me, I eventually, I will succumb to becoming the lesser person.